Chapter 4

For us we decided that four children sounded like a nice number. well, actually it was three, but we had twins, so what the hell!! Our oldest had just turned 4, our second was 20 months and then along came the twins. Our family was complete! I didn't quite "bounce" back from the birth as easily as I had hoped and I found recuperating from a c-section to be quite f*!#ing painful!! I was talked into breast feeding my boys by a "nazi", hard-up-for-a-good-laugh nurse. We also happened to be moving 3 three weeks after the twins were delivered, so I might say that humility and modesty comes very quickly to one harpooned on a couch, breastfeeding two babies while packers and movers trapse through the house. So, as I said, 3 weeks after the twins arrived, our little family packed up the old home front and headed on north 6 hours away from either family and plunk in the middle of....um north? "I think they have a hospital up there?!"

This is when my recollection of events goes a little bit blurry...Twins survive castration-I mean circumcision, c-section incision becomes infected and successfully treated, 4 year old starts jk and left stranded off the school bus in "we forgot about you" school yard. 5 week old twin gets admitted into hospital with high fever, spinal tap, IV in head 3 day stay. Annoying wisdom tooth gets infected and reluctantly abstracted (yish I hate the dentist). Finally, 4 year old (again) comes down with shingles (yes it actually was). Anyhoo, I believe these were the first 3 months in our new home.....oh yeah, and a partridge in a pear tree! Amidst this chaos we hired a "mothers helper", pretty much because my mother was damn near done helping me, needed a break and lets face it, wanted to escape from our tumbleweed home front! Well, along came a new chapter for us and a brief stint of "relief"!!!

Chapter 3

"to market to market to buy a fat pig, home again home again....big fat chubby!" "Old mother hubbard lived in a shoe she had so many children...she cursed them all and put them to bed!" my daughter...age 4. yes, motherhood is enough to turn the most civilized into a raving lunatic. Life before children seems to be a big build up towards it. Like achieving motherhood is the ultimate personal accomplishment. It happens and we seem to fall into a temporary netherworld. This world I wouldn't exactly call "bliss", more like a state of shock interrupted by moments of terror, interrupted by bliss, interrupted by panic and so on....This pattern repeats itself for each new child we decide to bring into this world. Some of the critical things I have learned that are essential to being "good parent" are;

1) The Infant years. Be environmentally considerate.ie. cloth diapers, homemade baby food....hell, clothes out of curtains are a few of my favourite things... Avoid any kind of dependancy on bottles. That means the baby AND you! If either of you do fall victim to this, tell no one "you heathen!". Stimulation, stimulation, stimulation! Got it? This is were you need to practice your in-depth early years training and utilize proper language, developmentally appropriate, multiculturally diverse, positive self esteem building strategies! DO OR DIE!

2) The toddler years. Issues for concern here are; Too much tv time, obesity, sedentary lifestyle, enough stimulation, early screening for problems, or as luck may find you, to detect genius/gifted tendencies. we all want to know our children are "special"! Now it is critical at this stage to never allow your child to appear in public with a bottle (or you, unless it is designer water) - of course they will have naturally moved past this stage and will have become much more refined "sippy cup" drinkers by now anyways. "toilet learning?!" Your on your own- a side note; it is NOT ok to ever lose your temper, show disappointment, or be anything but positive at all times. Practise phrases such as "no biggie, the car needed a good shampoo anyway...its mommies fault" may come in handy. Also, at this stage you should be making an appearance at as many playgroup, "mommy and me", "little yoga bodies" etc activities as possible so that you can demonstrate to others your supreme parenting skills. This is where the "refined sippy drinking", peanut-free, organic snacks will be particularly observed. If no other moms talk to you, go home and try harder next time!

3) The Preschool years. Well lets talk academics. Montessori, leapstart, french immersion etc are the heart of these years. Be prepared to hear that more children than you can imagine are not only reading but have down right mastered Shakespeare in more than one language by now. a light at the end of the tunnel is near and many are settling into a generous dose of smugness! While I on the other hand felt more scrambled than ever, cramming as much vital information/sippy drinking , in as possible knowing that "judgement day" or as others know it....junior kindergarten was vast approaching!

Chapter 2

So where to begin? I'm 39 and in "o.k" shape considering I cant stick to a regular exercise regime.....I get bored ok?! I'm just not your typical "sun salutation/doggy style" type. I do enjoy, unusual or out of the ordinary activities-heck shaking it in front of the mirror naked is a real workout and REALLY entertaining! I do believe that aging and GRAVITY can work in you favour....I no longer have to worry about butt issues anymore because the old keister is now located somewhere in my hamstrings!! I love that children-or at least mine- love to express their opions so accurately through their artwork. One year I decided to have my hair cut into a very fashionable "bob" and my daughters drawings that used to portray me in a somewhat princess like manner now depicted mommy with triangle hair. A note on the nudes.....if you are unfortunate enough to wait until they can reproduce you in an ever so non-flattering light....you have waited too long to instill the "repecting each others privacy" policies in your home. As well, if the mommy and tot bath times have turned into a pointing and laughing episode...once again, you've waited too long to enforce "PRIVACY !GET OUT!" rules in your home. My 9 year old is my little anti-aging police/coach. She is on the ball to alert me to the fact that the "two lines on my face are showing". She is of course referring to those scowl lines on the forehead right between the eyebrows. You know that saying your mother used to say whe you were a kid-"stop making that face or it will stay that way..." -yep, she was right! I supose my daughter took me seriously the ONE time I yelled at the kids " YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE ALL DOING TO MOMMIES FACE???" DO YOU WANT MOMMIES FACE TO STAY LOOKING MAD ALL THE TIME??"
I strongly advise swearing....it's very therapeutic! I blame this on the era of political correctness that seems to beg for rebellious, embarrassing and downright inmature behavior. Well, quite clearly, I haven't always been "deliriously happy", it has been a long road full of bullshit, crapdididoodoo that has contributed, built up and flat out imploded along the way to get me to this current "state". We must now take a look back along this journey to see how it all began........

Chapter 1

To best describe myself can be summed up in 3 simple letters....OCD. Although I really don't know why this is referred to as a "disorder" as without being this way my life would be completely out of order!! When I relflect back on my life I can clearly see that it has been comprised of one addiction after another.

When I was little I was exceptionally shy. I think that ultimately I carried a nagging fear that if I allowed people to get to know me, they would find out the truth....that I'm a dull and boring loser! to compensate for this I have developed a rather annoying skill of incessant babbling to keep people from discovering this actual fact. I'm not the kind of person who can charm others with fascinating tidbits of trivia or ignite in a debate about the latest political grief. I often get muddled, tongue tied and down right stupid when talking to more than one person at a time, and I couldn't remember a joke if my life depended on it. I suppose I make a fairly decent listener, which is to say that I've perfected an array of suitable reactionary responses without necessarily speaking....or listening. as well, I will say that my one strength is at making fun of myseff, my husband and sometimes even my beloved children!

INTRO; Waking up old!

How did I wind up here....counting down my last few months until I turn 40 when I barely feel 20. In the flurry of "life" I only just feel like I've woken up from some stupefying condition I think I can sufficiently blame on motherhood and wife..hood!